One of the things most challenging about have a child in the family who has a serious emotional disorder (SED) or serious mental illness (SMI) is what to do about the behaviors that seem to continually happen and how to best deal with those behaviors. When everything is a priority, then nothing ends up being a priority. Everything can't be changed at once. How can you decide what to try to deal with first?

In a book called The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, in the first edition, there is a section called, “The Basket Theory,” where it talks about looking at a child's behavior, and deciding whether to work with the behavior at that time or not. There are times when it is better to work with a behavior, and there are other times for many parents (especially when dealing with explosive behaviors) when the only practical thing left seems to be to just get everyone out alive and healthy.

When dealing with children who have SED/SMI choosing to confront the child about a behavior, many parents have mentioned that, even when asking nicely for a behavior change, that a major melt-down may occur. Major melt-downs may mean doors get ripped off hinges, holes may get put in walls, other children and adults may be hurt, the child may choose to try to hurt themselves, etc. It ends up being hard on everyone.

The Basket Theory is about setting priorities. What things and behaviors are so important, so vital that they must be faced and dealt with immediately, and what can wait or be put off for a little bit, until a better time? What behaviors are likely to cause more pain and anguish if corrections are attempted right now, rather than later?

In The Basket Theory there are three baskets. In the first one, labeled “Basket A,” go the behaviors that are non-negotiable. Non-negotiable behaviors are things that have to be dealt with. Some examples of non-negotiable behaviors may be:

Hurting others Hurting self Damaging personal property Damaging the property of others Scaring others Being mean to animals

Health and safety things always go in Basket A. Health and safety to the child and health and safety to others is always non-negotiable.

Some ways to decide whether a behavior goes Basket A:

Is what you want to enforce enforceable? Is it worth the destruction of feelings and property? Has it worked to allow the behavior here in the past? If not, you may want to reconsider.

If you are going to enact a punishment, the punishment itself must also be enforceable/something that can work for both of you. If you are going to put a child in a corner, you must be willing to keep them there. If you are going to send a child to their room, you must figure out what is to happen while they are there. If you decided to force a behavior, will you be able to enforce it?

Let’s say you tell Jack to pick up the blocks. He doesn’t. What are you going to do when he doesn’t? If you send him to his room, how many days are you willing to wait? How long can you stay home? You can throw the blocks away or take the blocks away? But then again, has Jack picked up the blocks or did you?

In the second basket, Basket B, go behaviors that your child may be able to think through and reason out what to do and not to do. There will be times when you will need to take the time to help a child think through Basket B behaviors, what is right, what is less right, and what is not OK. When things are in this basket, if consequences have been decided on ahead of time, there is often a much better chance that:
 
The behavior will be able to be stopped more quickly
The child may be more accepting of any needed consequences because they were entered into jointly

In Basket C go behaviors that, while important, they are not worth risking or having a melt-down over, if a child is having a bad day. These are more negotiable behaviors where life and death are not an issue. When parents join together or parents and children can join together, and decide that this or that behavior needs to go in one Basket C, it can help alleviate some of the parental stress.

Good communication between not just parents, but siblings, is crucial so that everyone can know and understand what to expect and what not to expect.